Phase 1- Personal background

     I am a girl who lives in an American society but comes from a Hispanic background. I am a girl who struggles to fit in with American culture and my Hispanic roots. I am a girl with a lost identity of who I should be with my perfect English and broken Spanish. I am a girl who struggles to find my identity because of the language barrier. This girl is a girl who has been limited from peers and family because of Spanish.  
     As a kid in middle school, I went to a school that was diverse but mostly had Hispanic kids which greatly influenced me to want to know more about my roots. Specifically speaking I had a friend group that consisted of 3 Hispanics who always spoke Spanish to make inside jokes with each other. Being the only one who is fluent in one language, English, I would just pretend to laugh, so I could feel included. In the friend group, I was in I would always be left out due to not understanding my culture's language, and within that, none of the girls would try to include me as well which would be something like taking pictures together, making plans together without me, etc. One day I decided to go home and research the common phrases they would say and I would try to repeat the words so I could join the conversation the next day. The next day I just made a fool of myself and got laughed at for trying to say the phrases the girls would say in their inside jokes because of how wrong I pronounced the words. 

As the jokes continued, I got called a “No Sabo” kid and I felt very ashamed to even call myself a Hispanic. “No Sabo” is a playful way of saying “I don’t know” in Spanish and that phrase is mostly used for Hispanic people, who don’t know the language and is known for “internet slang” instead of saying “No sé”. After being called a “No Sabo kid” I could say it is a playful banter, but is very degrading and makes it discouraging to continue learning the language or trying to know more about the language. You eventually start to embrace more of what you do know and what I was more comfortable with was English. The jokes drew me away from Spanish and after that day I decided not to fix or learn Spanish because of how broken it was in the eyes of my people. Eventually, the friend group called me a “white girl” and I started embracing all the quirks that came along with being the skin color white. I often found that being “white” or “white-passing” in America gives you more opportunities than embracing your culture, so I stood with what everyone called me and my perfect English.

(Up above is the friend group that I had always surrounded myself with)

(me taking pictures of the others because they connected more)

I’ve always started to wonder why my parents never taught me Spanish when I started to get put down for not knowing. Due to my curiosity, I asked my parents and my Mother told me “You never wanted to learn. Every time I would try, you wouldn’t answer in Spanish and you would only answer in English.” For a while, I didn’t understand why my parents didn’t just force me to learn Spanish. Instead, they let me do what I wanted, and I eventually realized that it was my fault for not knowing my language. This realization pushed me further away from wanting to learn it and made me content with leaving things the way they always were. I settled for the idea that maybe I wasn’t meant to know my mother tongue. I started embracing my American culture. When I talk about myself as an American individual I indicate that I don’t have “quinceaneras” I have sweet sixteens, I don’t have “Dia de los Muertos” I have Halloween instead, and especially with Hispanic families that are usually bilingual, half of my family speaks both and half doesn’t. I labeled myself as an American and drew myself away after being put under labels and realizing it was my fault that I didn’t know my native language. Spanish had turned into a game for me so I thought that maybe I could treat Spanish like a game. Whenever they would teach Spanish in school I always got pulled out for school counseling in middle school therefore I would miss Spanish lessons and fall behind. School got in the way of learning Spanish and every time I’d express how important it was for the teachers to not pull me out of Spanish for counseling they seemed to brush it off which led to me being behind in the school work and relying on passing the class by cheating my way through the class. I thought the games would help, but because I was already so far behind in the class, playing Spanish bingo led me to become more confused and I failed the test, but passed the assignments. To this point, Spanish started taking up most of my life and it made me feel empty when I felt fate just didn’t want me to out part of my culture. Everything in my life prevented to from getting closer to Spanish which led me to embrace the American culture more than I should of.

To this day, my language of Spanish is still broken, but I later accepted not to let others push me away from the language and culture that my roots come from. Instead, I took those words given to me as an opportunity to embrace my culture for what I do know and not push everything from my culture aside just because I don’t know the language. It taught me that you can’t let others define who you are based on your “broken” language because everyone has an opportunity to learn and not getting it right the first time is completely normal and it doesn’t make you any less from where you originally come from. I still struggle with Spanish, but I am willing to fix my broken Spanish and not be stuck in the labels I’ve been put under by many people. I am a girl who lives in an American society, and I’m no longer afraid of my “broken” language that comes from the roots of being a Hispanic individual.